Thine Own Deidre
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little_pillar's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, June 1st, 2009 | | 5:39 pm |
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| Saturday, April 11th, 2009 | | 8:18 am |
Writer's Block: Confidences
Strangers. No,a stranger you'll never see again. Because you know there's no long term repercussions for what you say. You can just vent & get it out without being afraid. You can tell them things you can't tell the people close to you, because you're not afraid to hurt them. They're strangers. You could, theoretically, damage them for life with what you said & walk away, & it would be easy. Think about it. & maybe, there's a fine line between what you can tell the people you cared, or still care, or give nothing of a damn, about...& what you'll never speak to them again for. So, here's something I can't say to someone. Partly because I never want to have to talk to them, although they keep stalking me. "You've pushed things too far. You screwed me over when I was the only person who really loved you, & who really actively cared in your life. I rode every god damn roller coaster with you. Eventually, I recognized how sick I felt, & I had to get off the ride. You were never that good of a ride anyways, now that I've been on others. Love made it worth it at the time. But like the song says, There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.You weren't worth the uphill climb, because when I entrusted you with the only purest thing I had for you, you betrayed me. You broke every line; you bent & broke me. & then you expect me to come crawling back like a dog, like every other time. But when I told you no, when I told you to get out of my life, I broke the cycle. So fuck you. Because when I came to you with anything, I got pulled down for it. Because you looked forward to breaking me in as your sex slave, where I would never see the clear light of day again unscreened through windows & blinds, in a house where I would never leave. Bluebeard. Just because you don't want it to come up in front of your girlfriend, supposed fiance, maybe ever your wife now... doesn't mean it never happened. & unless you twisted her mind the same as you did mine, I'm sure she'd be horrified of the things you've done. & yes, i'm bitter. I have every right to be. A big betrayal & then at the end of it all you have the nerve to say "COME BACK!" because you said so, not "PLEASE STAY!" because you couldn't stand for me to go. So, Mister Crown Royale, go cryin' to your army buddies when she leaves. '[Cause I ain't gonna be there when you break down. You deserve the same as what was done to me." Lyrics credit to http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/avenueq/theresafinefineline.htm Current Music: Fine Fine Line- Avenue Q, OST |
| Saturday, April 4th, 2009 | | 7:23 pm |
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2009 | | 12:42 pm |
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2008 | | 8:40 pm |
& after catching up on some of the posts on my friends list this past week, I am now officially depressed. |
| Sunday, August 24th, 2008 | | 11:53 am |
My life currently can be summarized by the song from the original Charlie & the Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder-- "Wonderous Boat Ride" "Round the world and home again That's the sailor's way Faster faster, faster faster There's no earthly way of knowing Which direction we are going There's no knowing where we're rowing Or which way the river's flowing Is it raining, is it snowing Is a hurricane a-blowing Not a speck of light is showing So the danger must be growing Are the fires of Hell a-glowing Is the grisly reaper mowing Yes, the danger must be growing For the rowers keep on rowing And they're certainly not showing Any signs that they are slowing HERE WE ARE! STOP THE BOAT!" |
| Thursday, February 28th, 2008 | | 11:25 am |
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| Monday, February 11th, 2008 | | 6:03 am |
eyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,it's a class schedule!
1122 ART 17B 3 11:15AM-01:40PM .M.W... 1 18 A 126 RIGGS T M 2192 FRENCH 4 5 12:00PM-02:25PM ..T.H.. 1 18 LA 214 APARICIO M A 4178 DANCE 19 1 06:45PM-08:05PM ..T.H.. 1 18 GYM 102 HEWITT A & yay for getting exactly 9 credits! I could only hope that my French class didn't get out after 2PM,but eh. yay for getting into dance19!this means,I will finally learn basic ballroom dance...everything ele I don't mind but--waltz & tango...FUCK YEAH! & i'll be happy to be back in my jewelery workshop again ^^ *snuggle* Current Mood:  giddy |
| Monday, February 4th, 2008 | | 3:50 pm |
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| Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 | | 1:19 am |
A long chain of events
This week has been stressful. Just got back to Devin's apartment--me catsitting. GOT INTO MY FIRST CAR ACCIDENT TONIGHT! just didn't stop in time,nothing was really that bad... EXEPT for thecrazy lady who was driving. her daughter was really cool though. it's all okay in the end I guess,but still. COME ON GOD,TURN OFF THAT IRONY SWITCH!! |
| Thursday, December 13th, 2007 | | 5:59 am |
Holiday list...
EVERYONE keeps asking what I want for the holidays. Okay,I admit. I LIKE SHINY THINGS!!! & there is more than one list. --> BOOKS:Mostly, i'm putting this list off because I have NO ROOM for books without them being damaged & treated like crap. Which I don't want to do,because these are ones I want to take good care of & hug & love & squeeze for ever & evar. Sandman Library-Neil Gaiman,Weetzie Bat series-Francesca Lia Block,Abhorrsen series-Garth Nix, ...& that continues on. Then,there's all weaponry/fighting techniques/historical military tactics books that I will likely absorb from the library before making a list of... I am going to learn how to make home-made bread. Recipes of all kinds,welcome. I already can make sweets blindfolded,so no sweets recipes. --> music. make me a mixers,pick up some techno or somesuch with a heavy base,give me a heartbeat to dance to. Dance music of the bellydancing variety with drums etc, or of the digital DJ's variety,are all super win. & the thing I've been ranting on forever--90s pop & alt rock. make a mixer of that,& you're gold,solid gold. --> I love everything with roses. Roses are win. Already have LOTS of rosewater for cooking,so bah to that. Beautiful Soap & Co. makes the best lotion...mmm victorian rose. okay,get some of that co's lotion,it's the best in the world,good for your face too. --> Other stuff: If you could send a commision my way for jewelery work,that'd be great... If you could make getting a seasonal job easy, that'd be great. I guess i've been planning out housewares,but currently that's pointless since i'm at LEAST a good school year from moving out. Hell. Send my two best friends to me,& have let leave enough to be affectionate with them all I want so we can just feel better. it's been a tough year on all of us. & I never want to let go. I want to do sparring/fighting practice more often.I want to get a proper SCA-worthy chemise underway,& some thick heavy leather & a grommet kit for making bracers,& learn to burn/tool the decoration myself. To have my spine's bones be here they should be,& stay there. To be able to knit things QUICKLY & properly, without much effort(I know,that's just me practicing & taking time) EDIT: oh BTW massage--I'll only allow two people to do so,don't waste your time on still trying to convince me otherwise momma. ZZ will have to wait till april,& I wholly trust him,so I have zero worries there,& I know he won't hurt me more than he has to. Gehrig--less trust by a long shot(not best friend of aproximately 5 years),but I know he can set my back up right proper. Better than anyone else I know,which I know for fact. Would like to become part of thr Rocky crew,if only for a little while. costume need be pulled together though.I think I have half the parts for Magenta. ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~ I have finals all day today, 8-11 AM French 2 THEN 12-3PM Abnormal Psychology. Jewelery workshop final on monday,12-3PM. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is--bum bum BUM-- a public entry! & the first one in a long time. bugger to you if yah don't like it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Life has ben a blur since sophmore year of college" "If you don't like going so damn fast,honey you can stop for a second,if not slow down." ... "There's no way to stop going so fast." "Isn't this slowing down?" Current Music: Third Eye Blind "SemiCharmed Life" "Deep inside of you" "Never let you go" |
| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007 | | 6:55 am |
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| Monday, June 11th, 2007 | | 9:30 pm |
Which Saiyuki Character are you?
I am like the Sanzo. nee. Current Music: queen |
| Sunday, April 8th, 2007 | | 1:54 pm |
...The Decemberists aren't a band that I like very much at all...but THE TAIN! especially part 4. it haunts me beautifully... music takes such precedence in my life...I don't need to sing,because WHO NEEDS WORDS? the notes can drift out of me as they please.creation & destruction all in one! my love,my life.my Creation... Jewelery-making.my learning & my skill...knowledge,not expression.work & a passion.not play. I am sad.I can't find my Amber & Silver branch necklace from Gloria(Minky's mother)...it looks good with what i'm wearing. it was hers,& it puts me at piece.god damn,I love amber.never can go wrong with it,on me. come on,Fairies. you're not just hiding this to make me mad,are you? I'm not mad.I just want it back,okay? PLEASE! Current Music: THe Decemberists "THe Tain"...all parts,one through five |
| Monday, January 22nd, 2007 | | 2:04 pm |
Steps: Step 1: Put iTunes/your music program of choice on random. Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song. Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from. Step 4: Strike out the songs when someone guesses correctly. Rules 1. No skipping songs because they're embarassing! (Unless they're just music/a movie) 2: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING! 1.Well, the animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness. 2.Told me a story yesterday 3.Our love is dead but without limit 4.Some days I feel tangerine 5.Nobody knows where you are 6.Drag him out your window 7.First you get down on your knees 8.You better watch what you say 9.He returns from his mixed-up memories to the passage he was previously stuck in 10.Eight ball in the pocket with a voodoo moan 11.If you can just get your mind together 12.What you did to me made me 13.The faucet she is dripping and the fence she's fallin' down 14.one...two...three 15.In my place, in my place 16.I love the time and in between 17.Don't try to call 18.There's a doctor livin' in your town 19.Bless me with your gift of light 20.You're giving me too many things 21.Here comes the sun, here comes the sun 22.Is is a kind of dream 23.Wishful thinking won't amount to living 24.bye bye bye my baby now it's time for me to go to work work work so you might want to make your way from here 25.I used to be someone I know |
| Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 | | 7:15 pm |
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| Friday, December 29th, 2006 | | 9:03 am |
up down all around
been running high octane since the NY gang arrived on Christmas eve. I can barely believe that it was only four days ago. so much activity.& i've pushed myself into half of it! even when I didn't have to. things have been extremely bipolar.i've been drinking like mad since they arrived. frequency,not alcohol content thank you very much. & the only difference is that I babble a little less after that second glass of wine is gone.but not less babble by much,even. it's all good,exept for having broken my promise to Zach,about no substances. but that happened on my birthday,& i've kinda continued it.(not just a one time fluke) & if he reads this,there's the high possibility that despite everything he WON'T come & see me when he's in Los Angeles anyways. He's leaving San Jose today. he says he'll call once he arrives in the city,anyways. I just pray he stays the hell away from Bakersfield.Between Basque food,the Red Dragon of the KKK's residence,& it being middle of nowhere;I'm a bit scared for him. Even though he's tough. outnumbered is outnumbered. especially in the middle of nowhere. been exhausted,& fed very well,given decent amounts of alcohol. WEnt to the amusement park on the pier for Romeo's birthday yesterday,went to the beach.I took lots of photos & didn't do so bad. I think I had more fun than all of the kids on the rides,too. I giggled,& laughed,played.Made a big sand angel on the beach,took cute photos of Romey on his 6th birthday. ate too much of mom-made chocolate on chocolate cake. bratty kids makming me kinda spaz out,& Steph is 13 days with no smoking.We women are greatly outnumbered,& losing our minds a bit. but we have wine,champagne Ricky has bronchitis now,of all things! So he's sick,& we really have to shove him back into bed & made him rest. my bones have been throwing a bitch lately.stress,little sleep,odd eating habits,& even more odd sleeping hours. IT's mostly focused on my ribs & chest,now.it's usually not so bad that I can't hide it.I can still bear to talk,breathe,while it happens.so that's quite mild,comparitively. I am a big attention whore,I fish for compliments & approval constantly. that makes me a tough person to deal with,often.but I am also very easily appeased,to be honest.hee hee. & you know how to appease me,you lot do. Romeo is getting so big!I can still carry him,for a short bit.But he's a foot taller than when saw him tow years ago! it scares me just a litle bit,this passage of time that goes completely without us. Steph has told me that I realy DO need to go out & live my own life,& I know that.But I am still very scared to,honestly.I've been used to making the house work,& doing & moving for everyone else's welfare,sacrificing myself & not giving a damn.That's part of what being a mother is,you know? some part of me can't help myself. & I drive my friends nuts with the degree I try to take care of them. & I notice now that I am generally all too glad to project the fixes for my problems out onto them. I've been trying to stop it,but I can't constantly watch myself & controll my subconcious behavior. I do it out of insecurity,& love.I'm trying to do what's best. but often I fall kinda short. much love. physchotic moving must be done. we girls spoil eachother. & so we shall continue to,at this rate.Mothering is hectic. but what few cute moments there are,that makes it all worth it.& so,I continue to. *points finger up in air as to declare an epifany,falls down dead* |
| Thursday, December 21st, 2006 | | 7:13 am |
Sex,sex,Muslims & sex!
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/archives/2006/01/17/sex_and_islam.htmlhttp://www.guardian.co.uk/elsewhere/journalist/story/0,,1688285,00.htmlI find it funny."Those heathan Taliban" across the pond are just OH so DIRTY according to the average American Christian of any sort,right? But hey,I bet THEIR kids ACTUALLY promise not to have sex before marriage & DON'T! & *le fuckin gasp* they actually TALK about sex over there as a (however very sequestered) subject! funny,how their kids don't get knocked up at 17.How since things are talked about,a bit less hearsay goes around,& people are healthier & safer for it. Funny,that. I've known lots of people. & hell,ex-boyfriends WASP parents loved me,even. but neither them nor the boyfriend saw my thought trains or my dark sarcastic humour. all of me,was a little less violent back then. I was more social,too. But I dunno why,but I was always inclined to put on a bit of an act.His parents LIKEd me. Trusted me to the point where,if Christi hadn't been there,I would have slept over in the room next to his that night(technically five in the morning) after prom. I'm sure things would have been all sorts of different if I had. You know,both slept over that once,& had been my normal self around his mother.I could never be in a bad mood around him or his father. His mother however...I just didn't dare to be in any other mood that sweet,perfect WASP girl-next-door. I still can't properly pronounce Jordan's last name. But it felt right to immeadiately call his parents by their first names,so it was all cool. to reminisce; yes,all good times. but I was a real jerk after he broke up with me. But I think,that to a small degree I had the right because he just dropped off the edge of the world though we promised to stay friends. I just know I took that inch of right into a yard of "oh my fuggin god bitch,you're CRAZY" Oh bother. Why am I thinking of all of this now,of all times? *flump,hits floor,oof* Steph & Ricky & Romeo & Luka are getting here Sunday afternoon! on Christmas eve! I have so much work to do. especially if i'm taking most of the day off to bother Slade & try to cheer him up & give him holiday present on Saturday.It's already Thursday. dammit. Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Tuesday, December 5th, 2006 | | 3:39 am |
I have the most horrible headache. comes and goes for the past 2 days now. fuck it hurts. staring at the comp screen generally makes in hurt less. I have to go back to torturing myself in bed now. owie. *dies* Current Mood:  sick |
| Saturday, October 28th, 2006 | | 8:57 am |
The last post here in the community inquires about what the guidelines for what is deemed as "erotic" or "pornographic" content here at this confessional. The opening post for the community clearly states, "REQUIRED:AN OPEN MIND,hear out or scroll past entries you don't like the topic of,LJ-cuts for more then two pictures &/or Not Work Safe material,& an LJ account." The degree of the language or posture used is often key in more mild cases of such things.Being horribly suggestive is allowed in more minor cases.Constant using of euphemisms accounts for the use of an LJ-cut --If it is NOT something that someone in junior high school should be allowed to see,then put it behind an lj-cut.Yes,this probably sounds lame.but no more than heavy PG-13 is out of an LJ-cut here. of course everyone here is allowed to post it all freely as they like! but if it's behind an lj-cut & a reader clicks on it,it's all at their own risk.this is an open confessional,specified for but not totally limited to,sex.give people warning a bit,just in case.in the Lj-cut,mention it's nudity etc. by using one acronym. "N.W.S." Not Work Safe.or,Not Wife Safe,depending. ;P This is all as legal measures,not restriction of personal expression.So,play safe on the Playground,Kiddies and have fun. Current Music: Aqua "roses are red" |
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